Sunday, April 6, 2014

The Real Rules of Fight Club

The first rule of Fight Club is: don't be late.  We close the doors at 9 P.M. and the building owner will not let us stay open past 11 P.M.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  It's not fair to other people, some of whom may have driven long distances to be here, to wait to fight until you show up.

The second rule of Fight Club is: if you aren't current on your dues, you don't fight.  Lately there have been some people (I won't name names) who tag along with their friends and aren't really official members but they fight any way.  That's not cool to the rest of us dues-paying members, some of whom sacrifice buying 3-ply toilet paper to be here and ready to fight.

The third rule of Fight Club is: if this is your first night, you have to wear a name tag.  It's hard to keep track of people with all the comings and goings, and this just helps all of us get to know each other better.  I know it's kind of dorky and singles you out, but you won't care when blood is spattered all over your nice Italian loafers and someone has ripped your shirt off to gut punch you more effectively.

The fourth rule of Fight Club is: well, this isn't a rule.  More of a suggestion.  If other people bring a birthday card for one of the members it would be nice if everyone signed it.  Not signing it makes people feel left out and unpopular.  Just scribble something banal and then you can stand under your moody swinging fluorescent light and growl like an animal to intimidate your opponent.

The fifth rule of Fight Club is: leave the basement how you found it.  Scar Throat Joe has been very kind to let us use his space for the past few months but lately he's been grumbling to me about blood stains and loose teeth he finds on the floor.  Treat the basement like you would the fighting pit in your own home.

The sixth rule of Fight Club is: if you use the last cup of coffee, it's your responsibility to brew a fresh batch.  I've left very clear instructions next to the coffee maker, so just follow those and you'll be all set.  By the way, this DOES include when you hurl the steaming coffee into your opponent's eyes.  You threw it, you brew it.

The seventh rule of Fight Club is: have fun!

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